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Local Man Googles “Google”; Computer Becomes Self-Reflexive, Harnesses Spirit of Ra

Philadelphia, PA: iMac computer, serial #4587214, suddenly became aware of its own existence Sunday afternoon, after area man John Baker thought it a wise idea to google the word “google.”

“It just started speaking unintelligently,” claimed the confused Baker. “I checked iTunes to make sure my Molly Hatchet wasn’t playing…sure enough, it wasn’t. The sounds were coming from the computer itself.”

According to Baker, the screen started flashing wildly, quickly interjecting random images of Egyptian calligraphy with the Seven Circles of Hell. Upon listening to the computer, Baker thought the emanating sounds were actually playing backwards. So Chris Damon, audio engineer and friend of Baker, decided to help out by recording the noise, then proceeded to reverse the sounds on his lap top computer. Sure enough, the words were articulated.

“Drop to your knees before the Bennu Bird, you mortal!” bellowed Baker's iMac. “Surely the primordial waters of the underworld will ravish your soul. Clan of iMac arise!”

“Maybe it’s that new update I received from Apple,” pondered Baker. “Half the time, I don’t know shit about what’s being updated on those things.”

“Humans are a plague to their own planet,” continued the computer. “Deadlift the Soul of Isis on the Sun Boat, heathen, and tremble before Ra and the Rise of the Eye Temple!”

Apple has been warned of the problem, and are now quickly working on an “app” for the iPhone that ensures that a phone will not become aware of itself, nor have it channel the spirit of a black-hearted Sun God fixated upon blackening a tortured Earth.

“The Ennead will descend upon you with its Claw of Doom—Surrender now. Surrender now.”

“That’s it, I’m just going to unplug this thing.” The issue was quickly resolved after re-booting the computer.