Douches From Across Country Flock To North Face Jackets

Austin, Tx: In what’s now becoming known to officials as “The Great Douche Movement,” fraternities, sororities, tools, douches, and even blow-hards have been seen wearing a record number of North Face fleece jackets. Despite not having a creative style, or a fabric that fits well to the body, or a unique logo, or any originality in general, insecure douches spanning the globe have dropped their Keystones and latched on to the North Face sensation that has become a wildfire plague burning the country down.

Said Chip Ballsdale of Beta Theta Pi, “I swear to fucking God, I look so fucking sick in this jacket. I’m a total player, and everybody should fucking know it. Whenever I throw the illest party on campus, it’s because of my North Face fleece. Whenever my boys Chico and Hambone vom just before passing out, it’s because of my North Face. Whenever a bitch gives me head, it’s because of my Face.”


Above, Chip Ballsdale practices the art of Douchery.

Non-student residents living close to campus areas have sadly been inundated by these pathological life forms. Some residents seem to tolerate it, others move out of town, while a few unfortunate ones have actually committed suicide. Said nearby resident Margaret Thomas, “For the love of Christ, someone help us—these douches just keep multiplying.”

Residents claim these fleeces give the students super-douche capabilities, such as smashing cans on one’s forehead, excessive use of the term “bro”, and oblivious sorority girls obnoxiously yapping into Blackberrys about “catty bitches.”



The police have been contacted on multiple occasions, many refusing to even step foot on or around college campuses for fear of infection. “Cain and Abel’s looked like a douche fleece convention,” recounted Police Chief Rodney Abrams. “I haven’t seen this many douches since the Popped Collar Epidemic of ’04.”

However, a few brave officers have stepped up to the challenge. These fearless souls have ventured into the heart of many college campuses to contain this North Face plague. Said warrior-hero Officer James Thermon, “I stepped into a frat party and could hardly breathe. The aroma of smug and false sense of superiority was almost too much.”

Thermon then saw something so profound and upsetting, it actually diminished all his feelings of fear, and he was rather filled with sheer rage and courage.

“I saw six to eight fraternity members in North Face khaki pants.” Officer Thermon explained, “These goddamn North Face atheists don’t know when to stop—first it’s jackets, then pants, then they’re raping your girlfriend.” Thermon and his partner took action, arresting twelve individuals while burning all of their North Face jackets.

“It’s not much, but it’s a start,” said Thermon. “Hopefully this will inspire others out there to rebel against this Great Douche Movement.”