August 11th, 2008, Dallas, TX: Yesterday at approximately one o’clock central time, newly acquired Cowboy football player “Pac Man” Jones was rushed into Green Oaks Hospital in downtown Dallas. Shortly after being hurried inside, his agent released a statement on hospital grounds: “Ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck today. It seems Mr. Pac Man Jones listened to the new Lil’ Wayne album The Carter III, which makes repeated references to ‘rain’ and other debaucherous activities of the sort. Pac Man indulged in the listening of the album, and quickly slipped into a coma.”
Approximately thirty minutes later, Pac Man Jones came out of the unconscious state and, according to nurses, doctors and nearby patients, immediately started demanding a “bag full of money” and a “pilot to fly [his] ass to Los Angeles” for the trendy Rio Gentlemens Club. Knowing Pac Man Jones’ brutal reputation concerning money and “rain”, his public relations coordinators hastily hired temporary security agents to ensure Jones didn’t follow through on his request. White doctors secretly admitted "tensions were high" when the temp security agents encountered Pac Man's entourage in the hospital lobby. Jones’ longtime therapist has again been contacted, with reports surfacing that Jones is now receiving “supplemental treatment” for Rain Syndrome, or as known in the medical community, R.S. Dr. Robbie Redmon put it frankly, “I’m afraid his R.S. is worse than ever…now that Adam is receiving new income from the [Dallas] Cowboys, coupled with the new totally sick Lil' Wayne album, I’m afraid the symptoms are only going to get worse.” Flying in today was the Jones family to offer emotional support for their beloved Pac Man.
More controversy erupted later in the day when jokester and new teammate Terrell Owens began throwing handfuls of his own money in the hospital courtyard as Pac Man was being released. Between fits of hysterical laughter, a popping and locking Terrell Owens shrieked, “There’s a fire on the ground! Gotta make it rain to stop the fia! Stop the fia!” After hearing of Pac Man’s recent breakdown, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was overcome by his own breakdown, and slipped into a coma. Goodell was ironically rushed to the same Green Oaks Hospital; after hours of motionless activity, his limp torso suddenly bolted out of the comatose state, all the while Goodell screaming for “The Lord” as well as “Sweet Mary and the Trinity.” The delirious and heavily sedated commissioner demanded to have "all the strip clubs in the Western Hemisphere barricaded” and to “quickly have Lil’ Wayne come in to his office for a stern talking to.”
However, it seems that Pac Man Jones intentionally violated team rules that were specified in his contract. Coach Wade Phillips and owner Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys specifically told Pac Man before signing him that in order to wear a Cowboys uniform, he could not listen to any Lil Wayne whatsoever, specifically making reference to the new ballin' ass Carter III. Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips told him this album was “super-dooper off limits…we don’t want to tarnish the pristine image of The Dallas Cowboys.” After hearing the breaking news, a disgruntled Phillips snapped: “First this retarded blonde Simpson bitch, now this fuckin’ shit...could we have Lil Wayne shot?”
Rapester Rick, one of Pac Man’s “boys” in Jones’ “Pac Unit” entourage, said that Jones was on the edge of his seat the entire time listening to the album. His “forehead grew increasingly precipitous” and his hands clutched together “ever so tightly.” The entire time, Pac Man just stared at his stereo system with the volume full blast, muttering unknown phrases with an occasional audible word coming through like “thunderstorm” and “Andrew Jackson.” Said Rapester Rick “when I heard that fuckin' song ‘Got Money’, I knew we was in trouble. When T-Pain started singin', with that up-tempo club beat, I just knew that fucka Weezy was gonna rap about makin’ it rain. Sho nuf mane, sho nuf…” Sho nuf, after the specific lyric, “Young Wayne on them hoes, AKA Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes,” Mr. Jones scrambled for a pen and paper, madly scribbled rap lyrics into a small notepad drenched from his sweaty palm, then promptly went into an epileptic seizure and collapsed, shattering his glass kitchen table.
Rapester Rick was glad to share the crumbled up lyrics with the media:
Pac Man Jones’ Scribbled Rap Lyrics (Click to Enlarge)
Club owners across the nation are deeply concerned. Said Key Club owner John Flitz of New York City, “I’m scared shitless. Over 1,500 miles away you think I wouldn’t be. But this is fuckin’ Pac Man we’re talking about. I heard he crashed a Bar Mitzvah in Nebraska just to make it rain on the tefillin…three Jews were shot and paralyzed that day.”
Tommy Urbanski, the man shot and left paralyzed after Pac Man Jones’ infamous Las Vegas strip club shooting, had very brief words to say to reporters. Despite Urbanski’s avoidance of the media, many journalists were able to discover that he is in serious discussions with NASA about possibly being shot into outer space. “Fuck my life,” stated Urbanski. Dr. Allen Trevor, the physician who oversaw Jones’ brief coma, couldn’t help but tell the media he was baffled after the incident. “You see,” Dr. Trevor explained, “Mr. Jones shaved his shoulder length dreadlocks a few weeks after his incarceration. Ever since then he has been keeping the clean shaven bald headed look for ridding of the ‘thug’ reputation. Yet, when Pac Man Jones awakened from the coma yesterday, his dreadlocks had regrown. All of it. In thirty minutes. When I asked him about it, he seemed very nonchalant. In fact, he just kept smiling with a large twinkle in his eye that gleamed nearly as bright as his grill.”
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