Ghetto Birds Migrate to South Central Los Angeles for the Winter

Avant-Garde Fashion Designer: “Fuck it, I made Jongs”

Mario Gusteau, above, happily displays his newly-released line of jongs.

World-renowned fashion designer, and part-time pornographic director, Mario Gusteau once again asserted himself as the fearless leader of fads. Tuesday evening in London, the trend-setting Gusteau released his new line of clothing—jongs. These new denim delicacies are an evolution of jean shorts, or as more commonly known to fraternities and gay communities, jorts.

Not only do jongs serve an insatiable need for a growing jong-craving demographic, they serve a beneficial cause. States Gusteau, “For all those women out there frustrated with thongs without tiny pockets to hold their loose change, jongs would be a very nice option.”

Currently, former musician Sisqo is now working on a new song entitled, “Girl, lemme see yo jongs.” Gusteau also claims that jongs will be extensively used in his plumber-centered erotic films.

Area Man Slips On Own Semen, Dies

Brent Lorne’s life came to a tragic end Wednesday evening after slipping on the sperm he had released onto his bathtub floor just two minutes previous to his death. According to reports and nearby roommate, Lorne pleasured himself (as he did most nights according to said roommate), then walked into the kitchen to make a turkey sandwich, still half erect, then walked back to his room to take a shower when the incident happened.

Roommate Troy Friedman stated, “Brent’s last words were, ‘I’m fuckin’ starving, bro,’ walked into his bathroom and then I just heard a loud crash. Really loud. Like almost deafening. He must have slipped really hard on that stuff.”

Added Troy, “He always bragged his loads were huge, but good God…”

Investigators claimed he turned on the shower, placed his right foot into the tub, then proceeded to slip on his man-seed, slamming his head against the bathtub faucet, opening a large gash in the back of his cranium.

Authorities have yet to comment on the irony of the situation in that semen, the giver of life, was in this case the taker.