Dane Cook and Sean Paul Shot and Killed Say Unsurprised Police

Douchebag comedian Dane Cook and blow-hard musician Sean Paul were both shot twice in the head Friday evening on the corner of 5th and Martin Luther King Blvd around 11pm, reported a nonchalant Miami Police Department.

“What’s that? Surprised? Who’s surprised? Oh, am I surprised?" asked confused Police Chief Frank Sebok. "Not really, we knew this would probably happen to these two. Man…talk about comedic stand-up self indulgence and sac-blowing melodies…In fact, we may have received a call tipping us off about the murders half an hour before it happened, but we were really getting into this Wii boxing game," said Sebok as he fiddled with a Wii game controller. "Hey, how do you block punches with this thing?”

Cook and Paul, according to very sketchy and unprofessionally filled police paperwork, were abducted sometime Friday evening or, according to the police report, "Hell, maybe sometime around lunch." Two magnum bullets were lodged into both of their heads, leaving a trail of blood splatter claimed in the report to be "wicked."

Policeman Bradnell, an aspiring photographer, spent a good forty minutes taking different pictures of the horrific double homicide. Bradnell poured over his photographs, exclaiming, “Dude, take a look, I made a Dutch angle out of this one, you know, to convey conflict.” Bradnell, standing directly in the middle of an uninvestigated crime scene, contently stared at his photographs of gore. Added Bradnell, “Awesome!”

Police Chief Sebok wanted to assure the public that whoever did this, justice would be sought. “Oh yes, it’ll be sought,” claimed Sebok. “Right after I get back to police headquarters and finish up my football fantasy draft. It’s all good, look, it’ll just be seven to twelve hours of light roster and playbook research.” Some members of the Miami Police Department said maybe there would be a little extra incentive to catch the killers if “Dane Cook wasn’t a blow hard” and if “Sean Paul didn’t suck monumental ass meat at music and life.”

Matthew McConaughey and LL Cool J Look For Third and Final Member For “Shirtless Zorro Trio”

Scandalously hunky “actor” Matthew McConaughey and “rapper” LL Cool J are actively pursuing what they refer to as the “The Perfect Storm of Uncladedness” in a sit-down interview Tuesday afternoon. The steamy individuals, in the truest sense of the word after both just having stepped out of an excessively humid sauna, called themselves “voluptuous visionaries” and “shirtless soothsayers” for a brave new clotheless world.

“We just want to recruit somebody that shares our same views in life, has a spiritual side, likes kickin’ back and sippin’ a beer, and does plenty of jogging and bowflexing in the nude,” said the bare-chested McConaughey. “Keep on livin.”

Said the bronzed, equally disrobed and borderline retarded LL Cool J, “Yea, you know, Matt be doin’ his thing in Malibu, you know, runnin’, tannin’, you know, gettin’ his swoll on all shirtless and a’thing, and I be doin’ the same shit. So I was like, ‘Damn son, I wanna get to know you.’”

Stated McConaughey, “I don’t even have a closet for shirts anymore—I threw those articles of cotton out. I get up, put my pants on, and start my day. I usually use those shirts for wipin’ off my hands when I get to fixin’ my truck, use them for wipin’ off sweat, or sometimes I like to tie them around my head when I’m smokin’ my spleef.”

“You see,” started the superfluously sweaty rapper, “shirts are detrimental. Bad for the environment. Think about all the sheep wool it takes to make a shirt. Must be at least three sheep per shirt! Shit man…we gotta save the sheep.” LL Cool J’s composed personality transformed into bitter anger one couldn’t help but think was conjured and forced. “They be cold in the winter, save our sheep man!” LL screamed at the top of his lungs as he plummeted his colossal platinum goblet into his ostrich-skinned armchair.

Ironically, LL Cool J’s next single to hit airwaves is entitled “S.O.S.—Save Our Sheep.” The album contains him and McConaughey on the front cover, smiling, pointing to the camera, and shirtless. Inside the album cover pamphlet there are literally countless pictures of LL and Matthew holding, caressing and even fondling baby sheep in overly dramatic lighting.

“Keep on livin,” reminded McConaughey.

Many celebrities have responded with great enthusiasm to join this exclusive trio. Claimed LL, “We been lookin’ at many potential prospects, like Kid Rock, The Rock, Brock Landers and Andy Dick.”

“And no goddamn tank tops or wife beaters either,” boldly stated McConaughey. “This ain’t a goddamn queer club, leave your homo-erotic garb at home! This is for the big boys, the boys who go shirtless to show off their perfectly defined pecs, round and rock-hardened deltoids, sweet succulent tri and biceps and who could resist a man with a finely tuned six pack coupled with smooth silky skin that’s recently been shaved with the finest of shaving oils and crèmes, not to mention […]” the seemingly aroused McConaughey went on for some time before the outspoken rapper jumped in.

“You see,” claimed LL Cool J, “sometimes Matt and I be classin’ it up if we head to the Grammys or the Oscars by throwin’ on a neck bow tie, all Chip N Dale Dancer and a’thing, you know what I’m sayin [laughter].” The two proceeded to laugh hysterically for the following three to four minutes, occasionally each others’ hands “accidentally grazing” the other’s torso, while also giving each other numerous man sized “fist pounds.” The two didn’t seem to remember or mention that neither of them had ever been invited to an Oscars ceremony, much less a Grammys.

“Keep on livin,” stated McConaughey.

The two have apparently spent an enormous time together in Malibu, California. In fact, the two enthusiastically claimed they rented out an exclusive condo together on the beach, becoming the closest of roommates.

LL stated, “Yea, you know, sometimes we rub each other down with warm cocoa butter oils, you know, the extra slippery kind that really get into all those crevices on our chiseled and hairless bodies. But don’t get no ideas, we ain’t gay or nuffin.”
The two excited men promptly gave each other a fist pound, followed by a quick and vigorous rub down of foreign oils and butter-scented lotions.

Pac Man Jones Relapses into Rain Syndrome After Hearing New Lil’ Wayne Album

August 11th, 2008, Dallas, TX: Yesterday at approximately one o’clock central time, newly acquired Cowboy football player “Pac Man” Jones was rushed into Green Oaks Hospital in downtown Dallas. Shortly after being hurried inside, his agent released a statement on hospital grounds: “Ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck today. It seems Mr. Pac Man Jones listened to the new Lil’ Wayne album The Carter III, which makes repeated references to ‘rain’ and other debaucherous activities of the sort. Pac Man indulged in the listening of the album, and quickly slipped into a coma.”


Approximately thirty minutes later, Pac Man Jones came out of the unconscious state and, according to nurses, doctors and nearby patients, immediately started demanding a “bag full of money” and a “pilot to fly [his] ass to Los Angeles” for the trendy Rio Gentlemens Club. Knowing Pac Man Jones’ brutal reputation concerning money and “rain”, his public relations coordinators hastily hired temporary security agents to ensure Jones didn’t follow through on his request. White doctors secretly admitted "tensions were high" when the temp security agents encountered Pac Man's entourage in the hospital lobby.

Jones’ longtime therapist has again been contacted, with reports surfacing that Jones is now receiving “supplemental treatment” for Rain Syndrome, or as known in the medical community, R.S. Dr. Robbie Redmon put it frankly, “I’m afraid his R.S. is worse than ever…now that Adam is receiving new income from the [Dallas] Cowboys, coupled with the new totally sick Lil' Wayne album, I’m afraid the symptoms are only going to get worse.” Flying in today was the Jones family to offer emotional support for their beloved Pac Man.

More controversy erupted later in the day when jokester and new teammate Terrell Owens began throwing handfuls of his own money in the hospital courtyard as Pac Man was being released. Between fits of hysterical laughter, a popping and locking Terrell Owens shrieked, “There’s a fire on the ground! Gotta make it rain to stop the fia! Stop the fia!”

After hearing of Pac Man’s recent breakdown, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was overcome by his own breakdown, and slipped into a coma. Goodell was ironically rushed to the same Green Oaks Hospital; after hours of motionless activity, his limp torso suddenly bolted out of the comatose state, all the while Goodell screaming for “The Lord” as well as “Sweet Mary and the Trinity.” The delirious and heavily sedated commissioner demanded to have "all the strip clubs in the Western Hemisphere barricaded” and to “quickly have Lil’ Wayne come in to his office for a stern talking to.”

However, it seems that Pac Man Jones intentionally violated team rules that were specified in his contract. Coach Wade Phillips and owner Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys specifically told Pac Man before signing him that in order to wear a Cowboys uniform, he could not listen to any Lil Wayne whatsoever, specifically making reference to the new ballin' ass Carter III. Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips told him this album was “super-dooper off limits…we don’t want to tarnish the pristine image of The Dallas Cowboys.” After hearing the breaking news, a disgruntled Phillips snapped: “First this retarded blonde Simpson bitch, now this fuckin’ shit...could we have Lil Wayne shot?”

Rapester Rick, one of Pac Man’s “boys” in Jones’ “Pac Unit” entourage, said that Jones was on the edge of his seat the entire time listening to the album. His “forehead grew increasingly precipitous” and his hands clutched together “ever so tightly.” The entire time, Pac Man just stared at his stereo system with the volume full blast, muttering unknown phrases with an occasional audible word coming through like “thunderstorm” and “Andrew Jackson.” Said Rapester Rick “when I heard that fuckin' song ‘Got Money’, I knew we was in trouble. When T-Pain started singin', with that up-tempo club beat, I just knew that fucka Weezy was gonna rap about makin’ it rain. Sho nuf mane, sho nuf…”

Sho nuf, after the specific lyric, “Young Wayne on them hoes, AKA Mr. Make It Rain On Them Hoes,” Mr. Jones scrambled for a pen and paper, madly scribbled rap lyrics into a small notepad drenched from his sweaty palm, then promptly went into an epileptic seizure and collapsed, shattering his glass kitchen table.

Rapester Rick was glad to share the crumbled up lyrics with the media:


Pac Man Jones’ Scribbled Rap Lyrics (Click to Enlarge)


Club owners across the nation are deeply concerned. Said Key Club owner John Flitz of New York City, “I’m scared shitless. Over 1,500 miles away you think I wouldn’t be. But this is fuckin’ Pac Man we’re talking about. I heard he crashed a Bar Mitzvah in Nebraska just to make it rain on the tefillin…three Jews were shot and paralyzed that day.”

Tommy Urbanski, the man shot and left paralyzed after Pac Man Jones’ infamous Las Vegas strip club shooting, had very brief words to say to reporters. Despite Urbanski’s avoidance of the media, many journalists were able to discover that he is in serious discussions with NASA about possibly being shot into outer space. “Fuck my life,” stated Urbanski.

Dr. Allen Trevor, the physician who oversaw Jones’ brief coma, couldn’t help but tell the media he was baffled after the incident. “You see,” Dr. Trevor explained, “Mr. Jones shaved his shoulder length dreadlocks a few weeks after his incarceration. Ever since then he has been keeping the clean shaven bald headed look for ridding of the ‘thug’ reputation. Yet, when Pac Man Jones awakened from the coma yesterday, his dreadlocks had regrown. All of it. In thirty minutes. When I asked him about it, he seemed very nonchalant. In fact, he just kept smiling with a large twinkle in his eye that gleamed nearly as bright as his grill.”