Matthew McConaughey and LL Cool J Look For Third and Final Member For “Shirtless Zorro Trio”

Scandalously hunky “actor” Matthew McConaughey and “rapper” LL Cool J are actively pursuing what they refer to as the “The Perfect Storm of Uncladedness” in a sit-down interview Tuesday afternoon. The steamy individuals, in the truest sense of the word after both just having stepped out of an excessively humid sauna, called themselves “voluptuous visionaries” and “shirtless soothsayers” for a brave new clotheless world.

“We just want to recruit somebody that shares our same views in life, has a spiritual side, likes kickin’ back and sippin’ a beer, and does plenty of jogging and bowflexing in the nude,” said the bare-chested McConaughey. “Keep on livin.”

Said the bronzed, equally disrobed and borderline retarded LL Cool J, “Yea, you know, Matt be doin’ his thing in Malibu, you know, runnin’, tannin’, you know, gettin’ his swoll on all shirtless and a’thing, and I be doin’ the same shit. So I was like, ‘Damn son, I wanna get to know you.’”

Stated McConaughey, “I don’t even have a closet for shirts anymore—I threw those articles of cotton out. I get up, put my pants on, and start my day. I usually use those shirts for wipin’ off my hands when I get to fixin’ my truck, use them for wipin’ off sweat, or sometimes I like to tie them around my head when I’m smokin’ my spleef.”

“You see,” started the superfluously sweaty rapper, “shirts are detrimental. Bad for the environment. Think about all the sheep wool it takes to make a shirt. Must be at least three sheep per shirt! Shit man…we gotta save the sheep.” LL Cool J’s composed personality transformed into bitter anger one couldn’t help but think was conjured and forced. “They be cold in the winter, save our sheep man!” LL screamed at the top of his lungs as he plummeted his colossal platinum goblet into his ostrich-skinned armchair.

Ironically, LL Cool J’s next single to hit airwaves is entitled “S.O.S.—Save Our Sheep.” The album contains him and McConaughey on the front cover, smiling, pointing to the camera, and shirtless. Inside the album cover pamphlet there are literally countless pictures of LL and Matthew holding, caressing and even fondling baby sheep in overly dramatic lighting.

“Keep on livin,” reminded McConaughey.

Many celebrities have responded with great enthusiasm to join this exclusive trio. Claimed LL, “We been lookin’ at many potential prospects, like Kid Rock, The Rock, Brock Landers and Andy Dick.”

“And no goddamn tank tops or wife beaters either,” boldly stated McConaughey. “This ain’t a goddamn queer club, leave your homo-erotic garb at home! This is for the big boys, the boys who go shirtless to show off their perfectly defined pecs, round and rock-hardened deltoids, sweet succulent tri and biceps and who could resist a man with a finely tuned six pack coupled with smooth silky skin that’s recently been shaved with the finest of shaving oils and crèmes, not to mention […]” the seemingly aroused McConaughey went on for some time before the outspoken rapper jumped in.

“You see,” claimed LL Cool J, “sometimes Matt and I be classin’ it up if we head to the Grammys or the Oscars by throwin’ on a neck bow tie, all Chip N Dale Dancer and a’thing, you know what I’m sayin [laughter].” The two proceeded to laugh hysterically for the following three to four minutes, occasionally each others’ hands “accidentally grazing” the other’s torso, while also giving each other numerous man sized “fist pounds.” The two didn’t seem to remember or mention that neither of them had ever been invited to an Oscars ceremony, much less a Grammys.

“Keep on livin,” stated McConaughey.

The two have apparently spent an enormous time together in Malibu, California. In fact, the two enthusiastically claimed they rented out an exclusive condo together on the beach, becoming the closest of roommates.

LL stated, “Yea, you know, sometimes we rub each other down with warm cocoa butter oils, you know, the extra slippery kind that really get into all those crevices on our chiseled and hairless bodies. But don’t get no ideas, we ain’t gay or nuffin.”
The two excited men promptly gave each other a fist pound, followed by a quick and vigorous rub down of foreign oils and butter-scented lotions.