Douchebag comedian Dane Cook and blow-hard musician Sean Paul were both shot twice in the head Friday evening on the corner of 5th and Martin Luther King Blvd around 11pm, reported a nonchalant Miami Police Department.
“What’s that? Surprised? Who’s surprised? Oh, am I surprised?" asked confused Police Chief Frank Sebok. "Not really, we knew this would probably happen to these two. Man…talk about comedic stand-up self indulgence and sac-blowing melodies…In fact, we may have received a call tipping us off about the murders half an hour before it happened, but we were really getting into this Wii boxing game," said Sebok as he fiddled with a Wii game controller. "Hey, how do you block punches with this thing?”
Cook and Paul, according to very sketchy and unprofessionally filled police paperwork, were abducted sometime Friday evening or, according to the police report, "Hell, maybe sometime around lunch." Two magnum bullets were lodged into both of their heads, leaving a trail of blood splatter claimed in the report to be "wicked."
Policeman Bradnell, an aspiring photographer, spent a good forty minutes taking different pictures of the horrific double homicide. Bradnell poured over his photographs, exclaiming, “Dude, take a look, I made a Dutch angle out of this one, you know, to convey conflict.” Bradnell, standing directly in the middle of an uninvestigated crime scene, contently stared at his photographs of gore. Added Bradnell, “Awesome!”
Police Chief Sebok wanted to assure the public that whoever did this, justice would be sought. “Oh yes, it’ll be sought,” claimed Sebok. “Right after I get back to police headquarters and finish up my football fantasy draft. It’s all good, look, it’ll just be seven to twelve hours of light roster and playbook research.” Some members of the Miami Police Department said maybe there would be a little extra incentive to catch the killers if “Dane Cook wasn’t a blow hard” and if “Sean Paul didn’t suck monumental ass meat at music and life.”
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